It took me years to cultivate.
Growing up, I learned to be tough, armoured, and dominating.
I portrayed this you can’t fuck with me vibe, I had multiple methods of keeping people at arm’s length, and my domination took both aggressive and passive forms.
You can imagine how that went in my relationships… I was a real treat. But beneath that exterior, I craved deep intimacy.
Little did I know that there was so much power in being subtle, soft, and attuned.
The illusion I lived in was that being tough actually got me what I wanted: to feel…
This tiny article is about the one thing to say to someone who needs support, when you don’t have anything left in the tank to give.
A lot of my clients are helping professionals.
Therapists, doctors, nurses, healers, coaches, you name it — people who hold space all day.
I also coach a lot of people who have learned, through a dysfunctional family dynamic, to associate their value with their capacity to help, fix, or support. They became a hero, a savior, to fill a gap of what was needed in their family.
This doesn’t mean that they don’t support…
“Hello?” I answered.
“Hey,” he responded, sounding down. “Can I ask you for a favor?” It was my friend Kevin. Something was definitely up.
“Of course — are you okay?”
“Today’s just been one of those days. I feel barren, alone, and like there’s this feeling of starkness and emptiness in life today. Too much masculine energy, not enough feminine magic,” he explained.
I had never considered what it might be like to be a man (or any person who sways predominantly masculine) with an excess of masculine energy leading to feeling empty. …
For those of you who aren’t familiar with the work of Dr. John Gottman, a well-known relationship psychologist, he formulated the idea of “bids.” In relationships, people make bids to their partners. A bid can sound like, “Come look at this bird outside!” or, “Guess what happened at work today?” or simply, “Come here, babe.” The point is that a bid is a request for presence or connection in some way. To respond, their partners can have one of three reactions to their bids: turning away, turning towards, or turning against.
Turning away: “Not right now, I’m busy.”
This article is an expansion of the seven archetypes of masculinity, specifically focusing on one archetype — The Director. The idea of the seven archetypes (Artist, Poet, Director, Warrior, Sage, Dark Knight, and Lover) was originally created by the brilliant Karen Brody and is explained in her book Open Her.
This expansion of The Director is simply my own.
As you may or may not know, The Director archetype is the directional force of the masculine. It gives literal direction, whereas the feminine delights in being taken or whisked into another world, or simply another direction. Hell, the feminine loves…
So, I’ll get right down to it. There are five things I started doing (or used to do, that I brought back) that have not only changed the way my self-isolation is going, but that have changed my overall lifestyle in amazing ways. And they’re suuuuuuper simple.
Self-isolation was, at the beginning, a confusing time. I realized that a lot of my routine has been shaped around where I was going out in the world, and when there was suddenly nowhere to go, I had to find new ground.
Now, here are the crucial, simple things I do each day…
He expressed to me that he was becoming hopeless with romance. He dated lots, but no one seemed to stay. He experienced himself as a failure with women. He registered for a course — for the second time — that helps men meet women and learn how to talk to them, in attempt to finally find a girlfriend.
I asked him one thing:
“What was your dad like?”
At first, his answer was normal. “My dad was successful, he was well-known, and he did a lot for the community.”
I sat silently. “But… ?” I nudged.
“Well, okay… He was…
I was just on a call with a client who has been struggling with her work ethic. No matter how exciting of a project she has on the go, her motivation doesn’t catch up. As an artist of sorts, she knows what she needs to do to be a success. Practice, refine, and repeat her craft. But no matter how passionate she is, or how much dedication the project requires to do it justice, she procrastinates, half-asses, and hides out.
So if she knows what to do, why won’t she do it?
After asking her a few questions, she mentioned…
In one conversation one man’s life was changed, forever.
It was four in the morning, and I had just leapt off of a 747 airplane in the middle of the desert. Not from the air — the plane was stationed there, amidst the dust, serving as a nightclub. It had been transformed from top to wheel with lounges, DJs, and an open top level to view the sunrise from. Yes, you guessed it — I was at Burning Man.
As I stepped off of the airstair and onto the vast, flat Playa, I noticed a smaller bar with a bigger…
A few weeks ago, a client of mine came to our weekly call unsure of what she needed from our session. I ask her a few questions, and her request bubbled to the surface: “How can I fully own my power?”
“Well that depends,” I responded. “What’s in the way of you fully owning it right now?”
She immediately got nervous. “I just don’t know how to be powerful,” she said, her voice softening. This was funny to me, because knowing she was a skilled elementary teacher, I could have readily prepared a list of a hundred ways in which…
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