Being Tough Only Gets You So Far

A message from a former “tough girl”

Before

Softness.

It took me years to cultivate.

Growing up, I learned to be tough, armoured, and dominating.

I portrayed this you can’t fuck with me vibe, I had multiple methods of keeping people at arm’s length, and my domination took both aggressive and passive forms.

You can imagine how that went in my relationships… I was a real treat. But beneath that exterior, I craved deep intimacy.

Little did I know that there was so much power in being subtle, soft, and attuned.

The illusion I lived in was that being tough actually got me what I wanted: to feel safe, to command respect, to maintain dignity.

Little did I know there was a world in which I gave myself safety, I embodied respect, and I gifted dignity.

Trauma has a role

Often we become tough and armoured in response to traumatic events; I know I did. And the more I learn about trauma, the more crucial I realize it is to consider its influence in every single client’s life, and therefore belief system, body language, and behaviour.

I’ve loved bringing a trauma-informed approach to softening, coming into femininity, and embodiment. It’s brought a safety to the exploration of my armour that has allowed me to go much deeper, safer, more sacred places with clients.

It’s important to note that trauma is not an event itself, but what gets trapped in our body and does not get released, as a reaction to the event. My armour and domination were perfect examples of trauma being stuck in my body.

It’s safe to be soft

In some moments, being soft feels as vulnerable as walking out into the street in nothing but a robe, and opening it. It feels like there’s something or someone “out there” that is dangerous.

In other moments, I know my softness is neither stolen nor earned; it is a gift. To feel myself, to feel the moment, to feel you.

I work with people all over the world who’ve had to be tough and armoured their whole lives, who’ve barely gotten acquainted with this part of their essence.

It was a smart survival strategy — until it entered their love lives.

And it’s not their fault that they never got acquainted with it, nor is it anyone’s. Likely this strategy was formed, and even passed down from generation to generation, from unconscious dysfunctional family relating. Family dynamics based on old paradigms of survival, rather than consciousness and thrival. Maybe it was one, or a culmination of, events that took place in elementary school, high school, or some other school, in which all the other kids were battling their own inner mess, too.

For those of you who resonate with this, you have a hard time trusting. You attract people who make you feel unsafe. Who compromise your boundaries. You don’t share your feelings; if you do, it’s with shame, or coated in different paints of protection.

Settling into your body? Too painful.

Feeling into your emotions? Too scary.

Being witnessed in your all-ness, and your truth, and your love, by another human being? Fucking forget about it.

And so, you continue to survive your relationships — especially your romantic relationships — terrified, empty, hungry. Tough, armoured, dominating. Loudly, quietly.

But I promise, it’s safe to be soft. It’s a journey to come to the experiential knowing of this, beyond mentally understanding it as a concept.

Get supported

For those of you who learned to be tough and armoured like me — give yourself the gift of softness today.

And if softness is something you can’t even begin to fathom, but you know you want it, let me support you.

True intimacy is on the other side; with yourself, with your partner, with the world.