The Director: A Much Needed Face of the Masculine
If you’re not doing this one thing, you’re killing your relationship
This article is an expansion of the seven archetypes of masculinity, specifically focusing on one archetype — The Director. The idea of the seven archetypes (Artist, Poet, Director, Warrior, Sage, Dark Knight, and Lover) was originally created by the brilliant Karen Brody and is explained in her book Open Her.
This expansion of The Director is simply my own.
As you may or may not know, The Director archetype is the directional force of the masculine. It gives literal direction, whereas the feminine delights in being taken or whisked into another world, or simply another direction. Hell, the feminine loves being taken in any direction, as long as it’s being taken. It just wants the experience of being led. No matter what gender you are, we all have this piece inside of us, big or small.
You may be thinking to yourself: The Director? I’m hella directive. I run a company and direct multiple employees. I direct my own life; I have a set morning routine, I watch what I eat, and I’m responsible. I don’t need any wisdom on being The Director.
Here’s the thing: there’s a difference between mastering directing the self, and directing alongside a strong woman (or person of predominantly feminine energy).
GS Youngblood says that if you’re not directing, you’re killing the relationship.
And this morning, I could feel the the lack of direction killing my relationship, just a little bit. For you to understand why, I need to elaborate on a new aspect of The Director that I uncovered. And I uncovered this new aspect, this morning in bed, because.. Well.. Because this aspect was missing.
It’s important to note here that I blame no one whatsoever for the lack of The Director archetype in our society. No one was taught about masculinity or femininity, or even relationships for that matter, in school growing up.
At first, there was direction. “Leighann!” my partner called out from the bedroom. I came in from the kitchen to find his arms open, an invitation for Sunday cuddles. Ah, my insides seemed to say, you know where you want me, and you’re telling me. Thank God. It was a kind of relief that, once you get over the initial hang-ups that this might be some kind of patriarchal programming to be controlled by men, makes perfect sense:
My feminine was relieved that I knew where the masculine wanted me. In that moment, he had a plan that included me in it.
You see, if we are being directed by the masculine, we are with the masculine. And what the feminine wants is togetherness.
But then, my partner began talking about his book. Ah, the book. The project that he doesn’t take a single day off from working on — which has been scientifically proven to be less productive for creativity, my resentment chimes in — and that I was growing to resent a little bit as a result. Here we were, cuddling on Sunday morning, and he was having a conversation about his book that he likely didn’t really need me there for.
At first, I loved how passionate he was about his book. He’s embodying his Dark Knight masculine archetype — the one that urges you to do what makes you feel alive, and live on your edge. I knew writing this book was that for him, and it was hot seeing a man live on his edge like that. He also happens to be a brilliant writer, and possibly a very important one for our generation, and the thought of hindering that in any way feels nauseating. As his partner, I truly want him to fulfill on his goals and do what makes him happy.
However, lying in bed with him this morning, as he began swirling with ideas for the adapted screenplay, it hit me: his days are organized around this, and any planning energy around his time with me, was always going into that damned book. It became apparent that, besides spending time on his book, he had nothing else planned that day.
And so, there were no plans with me. No plans other than that moment, in which he wasn’t really with me anyway, but with his book.
This brings us to my point about a neglected aspect of The Director that is so important: the feminine wants The Director so that it knows it’s included in the masculine’s life. It’s a part of the plan. We want to be a *large* part of the plan.
And without clearly given direction, we are not a part of the plan. We can tag along if we feel like it, but it’s not a priority that we’re there. We are floaters, floating around the plan, wondering where to be in relation to you.
What would have been a beautiful example of The Director in that moment would have involved my partner saying something like, “I’m going to work on the book a bit today, likely two hours. Then after that, I’d love a few hours with you to do yoga and cook dinner together. I’d also love to take some time to share a new breakthrough I had in how I’m going to write this next chapter. How does that sound?” And then taken those few moments of Sunday-cuddling with me to be present.
Boom. In this example, it’s clear where he’ll be, when he wants time to be connected, and he leaves it open for me to confirm — rather than bossing me around, which is a concern about The Director for so many. (Note: There is a shadow side of The Director, like all of the masculine archetypes, and this is it’s shadow side. To control and boss around.) But I promise, being directive is not controlling. Being controlling is being controlling. But directing is exciting, relieving, and loving.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Lady, get a fucking life. Why are you just waiting around for this person? Where are your hobbies and passions? Why, yes! What a great point. It does seem like I’m waiting around, doesn’t it?
I have many passions. And so do other predominantly feminine beings.
We know that if there is direction being given, that all energy — into his passions, and into hers — can be allotted most effectively. Solo endeavours are accounted for, and time together is accounted for.
In a relationship without direction, work and hobbies get acted upon, but connection falls to the wayside. There is no clarity about when it happens, and to the feminine, this is like saying love — it’s top priority — is not worth accounting for in a real way.
And to that, the feminine says Fuck. You.
One more question you may be asking is, “Why do I have to direct? Why can’t she do it? It is 2020, after all. Or, can we split the job 50/50?” and this is a fair question. The brief answer is this: if you are a predominantly masculine energetic being, you have natural directive abilities that feel amazing once you know how to employ them, and it also feels so good to the feminine to receive these abilities. A predominantly feminine being feels like a mother when she is directing with her romantic partner, or like she is having to generate all of your time that is connected. And likely, you probably feel nagged, whipped, or mothered when she’s being directive.
So, if you want your woman (or — again — partner who is predominantly feminine)to stop resenting your passions, and you also want her to “get a life” as I hear some say, then be directive around your connection with her. Make it crystal clear that she is in your plans, and what those plans are. Stop resenting the way of the feminine and its priority for love, and lean into it. Deep down, you do want love prioritized, and you can partner with her on that by being The Director.